If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
