im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
