dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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