u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
