She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Randomize
