your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
