I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
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