After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize