If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
