She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
