He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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