Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Randomize
