John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize