His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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