Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
