you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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