u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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