Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
