i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
