there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
