I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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