You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Randomize
