Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
