May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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