Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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