Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
