The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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