i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Even my vagina gasped.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
