i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
