Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
