Well douche your snatch and let's go!
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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