Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
