I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
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