That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize