Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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