yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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