david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Randomize
