I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
