turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
