Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
