Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
