Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
