there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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