I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
