I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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