Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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