I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Randomize
