We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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