I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
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