did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
