I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
