yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
