Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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