I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
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