I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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