I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Buhtt sex?
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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