awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
