i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
