I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Never joke about your clitoris.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
