he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
