She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
