I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize