plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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